Accepting Charity Graciously

This may seem like kind of a backwards post under the topic of "frugality" but I feel it relates and should be addressed.  This is our last week in Ecuador and so at the elementary school where we teach, each class gave us a gift and the director (principal) threw us a lunch.  We were so touched by everything.  Even though we are volunteers and receive only a meager monthly stipend, we know that we are more financially stable than most of the people who donated to our gifts.  That caused me to think of this topic: how (and why) to accept generosity from someone less fortunate than yourself.  But for the purpose of this post, I will make it more general and want to talk about how accepting charity actually does relate to frugality.

Accepting an invitation to go out.  If someone invites to take your family out to dinner, think about their financial stability.  I don't mean ask them about their salary, but even if they don't wear their wealth on their sleeve, you can still generally deduce whether or not they are in a better financial situation than you are.  If the answer is an undoubted yes, accept the invitation.  If you are unsure, just remember that they probably won't offer unless they are able to pay.  If the answer is no, accept the invitation and offer to split the check.  
Reciprocity.  The concept of reciprocity put simply is the strong feeling of returning a favor.  If someone takes you out to dinner, reciprocity may make you feel guilty if you don't do the same in the future.  But don't fall in this trap.  Let people be generous to you.  You shouldn't feel the need to take them out to dinner as well unless they suggest it (hint: "We should do this again sometime" usually suggests they would like the favor returned).

Accepting charity from friends or family.  Studies have shown that most children will make more money than their parents did.  That doesn't mean you should reject generosity when your parents offer.  If you were thinking of buying Jimmy a bicycle for his birthday and your mom wants to pay for it, let her.  If you've been having trouble paying your cell phone bill and your closest brother offers to front you some money, or simply asks if he can take care of it for you this month, accept the kindness.  American families typically don't all stay put in one central location, which is why being able to show you care through helping out financially is sometimes very important to people.
Returning the favor.  With family members or close friends, they least of all expect you to pay them back.  But that doesn't mean you shouldn't.  If you know your dad has been eyeing that new tool set, but he just can't justify buying it for himself, get it for him.  When you have gotten back on your feet, thank your best friend for fronting you some money by getting him tickets to see his favorite basketball team.  The gesture doesn't have to be exactly equal to what they did for you.  Just something to show that you are grateful that they cared enough to intervene.

Accepting help from church friends.  I assume that in all churches the concept of lending a hand to your brother is taught.  For some people it gets them points in heaven, for others they feel it's their duty as a Christian, still others believe they are God's hands reaching out to His children.  In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we have a network of helpers called home teachers and visiting teachers.  These "teachers" are assigned to visit you, love you, and to check that your needs are being met (both temporal and spiritual).  Sometimes they offer to help, and sometimes they just show up ready to assist you in planting your garden.  Let them.  If they find out you have been working a lot and hence eating microwave meals, let them bring you dinner one night.  If you're about to tackle repainting your living room, a few more hands might not be a bad idea (you could always utilize their couch-moving skills, or their lemonade-making skills...).
Pay it forward.  If your religious friend helps you out of love for his fellow man, he does not expect (or sometimes may even reject) you to repay him.  The better option is to catch the charitable wave and help someone else.  Your next-door neighbor is moving?  I'm sure it would be easier with their kids out of the house.  Your landlady is in the hospital?  I'm sure a banana smoothie is better than whatever the hospital is serving.  Open your eyes.  You'll find plenty of opportunities to serve.

Asking for help in times of desperation.  It happens to all of us.  You've been frugal, but sometimes, there's just not enough money to pay the utility bill.  Or maybe your child has broken three bones in the past 11 months.  Or maybe you're a college student away from home for the first time and you haven't been very smart with your money and can't come up with enough for rent.  Whatever the situation, you need help and your blood isn't healthy enough to sell your plasma and your morals won't allow you to rob a bank.  You feel alone and no one knows how desperate you are.  Tell them.  Swallow your pride and call your parents.  Be humble enough to send your boss an e-mail and ask if you can get your paycheck early this month.  Pray for guidance.  God can help us - but it won't be by magically adding more zeros to our bank account.  He blesses us through other people.  Pray to know which of those people God has put in your life to help you.
Repay the debt.  In situations like this, where monetary help was solicited rather than offered, it is appropriate to pay it back.  Send a thank-you note with a check included.  They may not cash it, but at least this way they can know you are no longer in financial turmoil.

Being frugal.  So you've been frugal.  You've paid all your bills, your groceries were $25 less than expected, your grandma sent you money for your birthday, and your child just won a free family dinner for being the the best reader in her class.  You're not a millionaire yet, but you're doing just fine.  Congrats to you!  Now it's your turn to be on the other end of the generosity stick.  Send your mom chocolates instead of a card for Mother's Day.  Tell your best friend you're taking her to that restaurant she's been wanting to try.  Give $20 to the UNICEF boy at your door.  Buy your sci-fi neighbor the Star Wars version of Monopoly and have a game night.  It's so fun to be generous!

Leap of Faith (by Haley)

Last year my husband, Greg, was working and going to school full-time. It was such a busy year. I tried to help and support him the best that I could. I prepared meals, cleaned the house, and watched our daughter in hopes to ease the tremendous burden that he had. It was stressful, but we were grateful he had a job and could provide for our family.

Last month he got offered to teach a music composition class at the school in our town. It seemed like the perfect fit for him and our family. He could continue working at his current job and in addition teach music. 

Once he got all the paperwork required to fill out for his job, we noticed that there were certain rules that he had to abide by. One was that Greg was only allowed to work ten hours outside of this teaching job. How on earth could we live on such a small salary? 

The difficult decision came when Greg had to sign the paper saying that he would abide by the rules for this job. That meant that he had to quit his present job and we had to survive on a very small income. So, we decided to ask God what to do.

We prayed several times to make sure that we knew that we were doing what God wanted us to do. He did indeed want Greg to quit his job and take the teaching position. Although a little scary, we felt at ease knowing that we were being 100% honest and that the Lord would provide. 

This last month has been amazing. Random things have come up to help us get a little extra money. My husband has been able to teach private lessons and get work a few hours a week at his old job. Our groceries have miraculously been cheaper as well. 

All I know is that faith is the answer. When we have faith in God, things will work out and He'll take care of us. He loves us. Our future and purpose is clear when we include God in our lives. He is our father and friend. I am so grateful for His love and guidance in my life. He has lead me to where I am today.

"Flakes Don't Do Friends" - by Heather

A well known saying among my immediate and extended family is "Flakes Don't Do Friends." Now chances are that if you're reading this, you are most likely the friend of one of us Flakes (or thought you were till you read this!) but please don't consider this a new way of friendship "break-up," it's not you, it's us...and we still want to be friends.

So what does "Flakes Don't Do Friends" mean, anyway? I think the logic goes something like this: there are so many kids in a typical "Flake" family, that we've already got more best friends (siblings) than we could have hoped for. (Is that why my parents had so many kids, so they wouldn't have to leave the comfort of their home and drive us to a friend's house on Friday nights? Well, it can't be proven, but I've got my suspicions...)

In any case, that saying is just a saying and never stuck. I love my siblings to death and they are my best friends and I look up to them in every way, but I wouldn't have made it to where I am and who I am today without my friends.

I wanted to dedicate this post to all the amazing things my friends have done for me over the years - things that I can never thank them enough for. Things that they have done that make me want to be a better person. So here's my short and completely incomplete list:

In college, I struggled to gain confidence in myself and my abilities, you built me up

When I became a mother and didn't have a clue…neither did you and that made me feel better

When I was having a crappy day, you brought me cookies and a nice note

When I need to vent - you let me complain for…like…an hour!

When my house was flooding in the middle of the night and I was hugely pregnant and my kids asleep in their beds and my husband was across the country, you came over in the middle of the night and brought your shop vac and sucked out as much water as you could

When my skirt had a hole in it at church, you quietly told me and helped me cover it up

When I hadn't seen you in years and my family of 6 was driving across the country, you let my family crash at your house and fed us delicious food! and sent us on our way all within a matter of hours - you are a saint!

You stayed up late talking to me and making me feel special

When my husband was gone on rotations for school to different states for 9 months, you came over and watched my kids so I could have some time to regain my sanity

When I had been killing myself to lose a few pounds, you noticed and said I looked amazing!

When I was struggling with someone but didn't tell anyone about it, you called me out of the blue and said you felt like you needed to call and…did I want to talk? 

When I had my 4th baby, I wouldn't let you throw me a baby shower so you threw me a "Service Shower" and everyone signed up to do different service for me: dinners, massages, mowing my lawn, watching my kids, baking me cookies, cleaning my windows, etc.

When my family and I were moving to a new state and thought we had the moving and packing "taken care of" ourselves, you showed up at 9pm on a Friday night with their little kids to say goodbye and when you saw the state I was in, you and your spouse and your little kids, gave up your Friday night to help finish packing and cleaning the things that were already "taken care of"  - you all didn't leave till past 11pm!

You insisted on helping, when I said I didn't need help (but you knew I did)

You let me be your bridesmaid - even though I said I didn't like your future husband

You told me you like my haircut, even when I knew it was hideous!

You came and picked up my kids so I could pack, then you played with them, fed them dinner and bathed them  - seriously, you're the best!

You made me look pretty for my first formal dance

You swapped baby sitting with me even though you only had 2 kids and I had 4!

Like I said, this list is horribly inaccurate of all the ways my friends have blessed my life. But I just wanted to put some of these out there. 

Friends are the best! I'm sure you have just as many amazing experiences with your friends as I do with mine. What are some of the ways your friends have helped you? Maybe we can all inspire each other to be that much better of a friend to those around us. 

A Letter to the Parents of America (Sarah)

Dear Parents of America,

First, I would like to acknowledge that I realize you are trying your hardest to be good parents.  I understand that we live in a culture where you feel like a bad parent if your kid is not in at least 2 or 3 extra-curricular activities at a time.  I know that the pressure to have your kids fit in can be extreme.  I, too, have read The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.  I get it.  I really do.

But...

Please take a deep breath. 

That's right, go ahead, do it. 

Deep Breath.  in   and   out.

Okay.  Now you're ready to hear what I'm about to say. 

Ask yourself this question:  What is my end goal when putting Johnny into basketball? or Sally into soccer?  Kylie into dance?

I know, right?  You never asked yourself that question, did you?

And yet, you are acting like your end goal is to have Johnny, Sally and Kylie GO PRO. 

I'm not above putting my kid in soccer :)

 

I am sure your seven-year-old is actually very good.  Maybe even he/she, with the right help, could make it to high school soccer.  Heck, maybe even college soccer.  But then what?  Really, what is your end goal here?  Are you trying to tell me that you not only believe that your kid will probably make the cut to be an elite professional soccer player AND that that's what you want?  Is that what you're trying to tell me? 

Did you already decide that Suzie is too dumb to become a doctor?  Is Jake too slow to be a lawyer?  With all the things that you could possibly choose to push your kid towards, you are choosing soccer.  That's what you're telling me.

No?  You actually don't want your kid to go pro?

Then answer me this:

Why are you screaming at your kid?  "Wake up, Jimmy!"  "You're missing the ball!"

Why are you freaking out at the coach and ref?

And why, then, are you dragging your kid to soccer/swim/piano/dance/play practice etc. EVERY night of the week and twice on Saturdays?  Why are you allowing your kid to miss family dinners, church activities and precious time with his Dad?  Why are you choosing to put your child in so many activities that he cries through his homework and falls asleep before his shower?  Is it worth it?

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I find myself sucked in to the same cycle.  I want my kids to experience so many things.  A lot can be learned from team sports.  Exercise, hard work, even excellence can be learned in the setting of extra-curricular activities.  There's a lot to be said for those things. 

Guess where else you can learn exercise, hard work and excellence?  You guessed it--AT HOME. 

Recently, I've been witness to more than my share of the ultra wound-up, freaking out, over-scheduled parents of our generation.  Parents who have been sucked into the mentality of making their kid do it all, without thought for balance.  It makes me sad for them.  And their kids.  It makes me want to try harder to remember my end goal.  If the goal isn't to make Jack and Joel (and Merrody and Norah and Hazel) into pro athletes, then what is it?

When I really think about what I want for them, I can honestly say that I sincerely don't want any of my children to become pro athletes, rock stars, famous actors, even President of the United States.  My best dreams for my children include quiet lives as mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, who work hard and live clean, good lives.  Who serve their community and help others. 

Is there an extra-curricular for that?

Love,


Sarah

Chapter 18: Full of Celebrations (Getting My Mission Call!) - by Cassidy

As you all know, I finally graduated from high school with a good amount of scholarships in my pocket. But that doesn't mean I don't have to work.

This summer, I went to Lawrence, Kansas and worked as a nanny for Justin and Kelsey. It was a really good and cool experience for me. I was glad that I went. I had a lot of favorites while I was there such as trying out soul food, the beautiful nightlight view of Kansas City, the Jazz club, hanging out with Justin, Kelsey, and their kids (plus Wombat and Fresh Fries). But my most favorites were going on a bike ride with Justin's family and going on a nice walk around downtown together. It was really nice and beautiful, such an unique place. Thank you so much Justin and Kelsey, I really appreciated everything you've done for me. I had a great time. Thank you. 


This Fall, I'm going to college to start a new life on my ooooowwwwn. Wow, this is crazy. I got a dorm, I got three roommates, I got a laptop, and I got Fall/Winter track this semesters. Yep, I think I'm ready to go. I am excited and nervous at the same time.



Surprise, surprise! I got my mission call!! 

"Dear Sister Flake: You are hereby called to serve as a missionary of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You are assigned to labor in the California San Fernando Mission. It is anticipated that you will serve for a period of 18 months.... you will prepare to preach the gospel in American Sign Language."  (I leave on Wednesday, January 1st, 2014) I'm SO excited!!!

It all happened ever since President Monson announced during General Conference the enormous change of missionary aging. Boys age 19 to 18 and girls age 21 to 19. I still remembered how shocked Dad and I were when we heard this amazing news and that has turned my future life plans from simple to a vague. After the announcement, I was so unsure if I wanted to go. I didn't feel ready by that time. I didn't even have the desire to go because I was terrified. After a few months later, seeing my future life was getting more vaguer than before and I really needed to talk to someone. So, I talked to Whitney and she said that going on a mission can help me a lot but I told her that I was too scared to go. 

The next General Conference after 6 months later, something hit me. I wasn't sure what it was but Elder Nelson, the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, said something about catching the wave. He talked about people going on missions catching the wave to spread the truth of the living gospel. "This wave of truth and righteousness is wondrous! It is not man-made! It comes from the Lord.... He wants His children to gain immortality and eternal life!" For some reason, I felt good after that and I decided to start working on my mission paper little by little and slowly to see how I felt so far. I felt good. Without having so much pressure I've decided to keep it a secret. In this family, only Whitney (plus Adam) and Dad knew about my mission call. I told President Greiner to keep it a secret as well. 

While I was in Kansas, that was when I actually felt the desire to go on a mission. Since you are my family, I want to share you all my experience. Kelsey was teaching her kids during FHE about Joseph Smith when he prayed to ask God which churches to go to and how Heavenly Father and Jesus appeared to him. In the end, for the longest time I actually felt the spirit and really know now that the church is true. Deep inside, things were clear to me and I don't know how to explain it. It's like I can see things better now and knowing how proud I am to be the member of the LDS church. Through my life, I didn't really see the whole picture of what it is like to have the gospel in our lives and now I can see the whole picture. The picture was so clear. I started to cry. I cried because I was so grateful for the spirit that I felt, I haven't felt the spirit in such a long time and I am so grateful for that. I really am. I was happy that I was there when Kelsey taught her kids that lesson because I wasn't scared anymore. I wasn't scared to go on a mission. I was ready. Justin and Kelsey did not know anything about my mission call. 


The other reasons I wanted to keep it a secret is because of mom. I wanted this to be special because of the hard work she'd done for me. She deserved it. She worked so hard to never give up on me. Taking care of a deaf child? That is indeed really hard. I still remembered how frustrated mom and I were while we were working on my Personal Progress. I had a really hard time understanding the church we follow. I was really angry because I was lost, I didn't get it and couldn't understand some things but mom tried her very best to help me understand about the gospel better. She tried so hard and look how far her deaf child has gone. The deaf child who was sitting in the Primary room did not understand a single thing and now is going on a mission. How incredible was that mom? 


Now, with my mission call plan(s). Dad and I were hoping it would come before I leave for school, but it didn't. Plan B, hopefully it'll come the same day as we leave for Rexburg. Still didn't come. Finally, the first day of classes, I got a text from Dad saying that my mission call came. Who knew it would come on Monday? He also said that Joel found out by accident when Brother Larson asked him about my calling last Saturday. Sigh.... oh well. Plan C, find a ride and get there. I wanted to open it tonight but I didn't know how to get there. During lunch, I was invited over to Anthony's house and told him about it. He was SO nice to give me a ride there and back and it was really nice to get to know him. He was really excited and willing to come. He's such a great cousin! 

2 1/2 hours later, we got to the Day Inns in Twin Falls and saw mom sitting in her car. She was so confused and asked us why we were here. "Just wanted to see you Mom." was pretty much all I said. Then Joel's family came over, Dad, Anthony, and I gathered together. Mom kept saying, "What is going on?" Suddenly, I gave mom my mission call letter and said, "Hey guess what mom....I've decided to go on a mission." Aw man, you guys should have seen Mom's face. At first, she was confused because Dad knew about it and didn't tell her and I kept a secret from her but then she started to bawled instead. We both hugged. She was so shocked and had no idea that I had it coming.

We went into the hotel and called you guys and Skype Whitney and Sarah. Then Dad called Dillon and finally I told you all that I got my mission call. My most favorite part was when I surprised you ALL!!!! Hahaha!!! It was so awesome! It was so great to talk to Dillon for a little. He was shocked as well. He bawled/cried and kept saying how proud he was and very happy for me too. 

 Looking back my senior year of hard work, graduating from high school, going to college, getting my mission call.... I'd call this a full of celebrations.

Sickness (by Ashley)

Note: I wanted to blog today about a beautiful bike ride. But I encountered a real problem that all of us face: weather and sickness. I decided to blog about the best way to enhance health instead.



When the seasons changed, our baby gave all of us a sickness bug. We've been fighting it for almost two weeks now.

I've found a lot to complain about in the last two weeks. In addition, problems that I can usually overcome seem insurmountable. And doubts and fears that have been silently under the surface have come out in full force. I've had a lot of breakdowns this week.

In the few quiet moments, instead recharging, I find myself lamenting my weaknesses. Why haven't I figured this out yet? I spend time angry and upset, unhappy and feeling sorry for myself. Haven't we been through this already? I know this is not effective, I tell myself. Then I lash out at those I love, drawing myself into a never-ending cycle of self-deprecation and self-defeat.

I put off those things that might help me most: real scripture study, an earnest prayer, a chance to notice my blessings. It's not quiet enough. There are too many distractions. I need the sleep. Then I am reminded of the lesson I learned last Christmas, that peace can be had without the quiet.

God speaks to our souls. He is forgiving. He is kind. He knows our troubles and our sorrows. And His son Jesus Christ is the ultimate example of how to live under pressure. We can find him in prayer, or read his words, see him in the bounteous blessings surrounding us.

So how can we live through sickness? How can we get over the self pity? Apparently I don't know yet. But I do know that nothing can replace the daily bread. It's more of a healing balm than herbal tea or honey or cough drops combined.

Ask a local (Whitney)

If you look up Ecuador on Google, the only tourist attractions listed are the Galapagos Islands and the middle of the world - neither of which we have been to in our last 5 months living here.  Both are expensive to get to, and involve quite a bit of travel.  But still, we wanted to make the most of our time here, and have the most fun possible, so we did what I am recommending to you:  ASK THE LOCALS.
This is not only true for Ecuador, but anywhere you may move to or visit.  Stop in a gas station and ask about the cashier's favorite spot.  When you take your kid to school, ask a nearby mom what local restaurant is unique to that area.  We have done so, and have not been disappointed.
Our first weekend here, the family with whom we are staying told us of a nearby island called Jambeli.  Jambeli is a hidden gem.  Its main tourists are Ecuadorians, but it is wonderful.  It's less than a mile wide, and probably not more than 3 miles long - not something that you would find in a typical tourist guide.  It is one of our favorite weekend getaways to just relax.

A few weekends later our host "brother" offered to take us to a nearby river.  He said lots of the locals know the river and go there, but he and some of his friends had discovered a part known by few.  It was incredible.

Did you know that Ecuador is FULL of Incan ruins?  Me neither.  Not until my husband mentioned one day that his dream vacation would be to Machu Picchu someday.  Our host family responded that just outside Cuenca there were tons of Incan ruins.  We did our research about Ingapirca and planned the trip with our family.  We actually saw three different sets of ruins on that trip!

Since we were with people who knew the area and had relatives almost everywhere, we stayed in a town that had an amazing cathedral.  As the legend goes, the town was having a drought.  They prayed and prayed and finally someone was hiking in the woods and found a small statue of the virgin Mary.  It rained the next day and the town honored the statue by building the cathedral AROUND the statue.  The cathedral it built INTO the mountain.  It is quite an architectural feat.  That brings up another point: ask about local legends and myths.

Another thing you can ask locals about are free museums or other attractions.  While in nearby Zaruma, our host mom stopped a taxi driver to ask him something we shouldn't miss while we were there.  He mentioned a hidden mine museum and even showed us the way!

Don't miss the parade.  Parades are a way for a city to show what is really important to it.  Our host family strongly recommended this to us, so we made sure to add it to our activities.  We were very surprised at a recent parade that was supposedly honoring beauty queens for an upcoming contest.  The contestants were on two large floats, but were definitely not the center of attention.  Various dance groups performed through miles and miles of streets!

Another thing that locals can teach you is about the cuisine or foods that grow there.  Did you have any idea that THIS is what a cocoa bean looks like?  Crazy!

I also learned how to make yogurt from scratch!

The last idea that I want to share with you on how to have fun in a new place, is do your research!  Before Adam and I got here, we looked at alternatives to Galapagos.  Then we discovered Isla de la Plata.  It was billed as "The Poor Man's Galapagos" so we talked to our host family about it and they made some recommendations we went.  It was one of the very funnest things we have done here.  And the island wasn't even the best part!

The whales were!

So if you're bored of your tiny little town, go to someone who has lived there longer than you have, and ask what there is to do.  Maybe there's a hike you've yet to discover.  Maybe there's a nearby emu park that's unlisted.  Ask around.  You'll find fun in some of the most unexpected places.